I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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