seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
