We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
