my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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