I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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