my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
