I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize