when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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