I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
