I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
