Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
