like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
