So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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