My hair reeks of homosexuality.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
