Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I have tasted many bathrooms
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
