Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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