If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
