come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
