sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
