the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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