Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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