Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
