I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
