What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Congratulations! We have a period
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