So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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