Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
