I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
