Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
