If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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