We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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