Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize