I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
