I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Enjoy the penises
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
