ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
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