U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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