Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize