Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You were trust falling into bushes
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
