grandma shit on top of the toilet
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
