Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
