After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
