is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My vagina is officially offended.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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