so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
