Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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