thus making me awesome and them whores
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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