The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
