I smell stomach acid.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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