Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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