I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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