Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize