mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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