I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
