his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
