woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
