When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
