dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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