i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
