so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
