If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize