I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
