I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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