I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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