you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Randomize