i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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