my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
