I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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