Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize