pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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