Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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