My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Randomize
