he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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