instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
